Our first baby would have been born in November 9th, 2018, just after our 3 year wedding anniversary. I was planning to be home (for 12 weeks) with our new bundle through the holidays and maybe even take a trip to my home state of Michigan. Much of the previous year had been spent eager and yearning to be parents. Excited to finally be pregnant and full of joy, our doctor was very kind and delicate in revealing our baby had not been growing properly and that I should expect to miscarry.
After my miscarriage, I felt adrift and rudderless. My life plans fell apart like sand though my fingers. Every day, I thought, “Please don’t ask me ‘how are you doing?’” as I went through the days. During the time I spent grasping at sand, I withdrew from activities I love and grieved immensely. I let go of taking care of myself and thought mostly of the loss and my body’s betrayal to our baby. Defeat. Failure.
When I finally felt able to come back to the gym, I only wanted yoga classes – a place people were discouraged from talking, especially to me. At least there, nobody would see how deep I was in my own thoughts and my avoidance was masked by perceived tranquility. Occasionally, I did yoga alone in the studio, the push and pull of isolation allowed me time to cope with the array of feelings. I still love the yoga classes at my Lifetime.
When my days felt like more than simply surviving, I went to an intense class and worked out – hard. My frustrations were evident and unconfined by my body or movements. I felt release and liberation. After the class, I met a few wonderful and confident women who didn’t ask me how I was doing. Before I knew it, I was signed up for the 60day as a member of a team! Throughout the competition, I received so much support and encouragement from many new friends, including Roberta R., Sophia A. and Andrea S.
After that class, the 60day began. I pursued that same release I had felt and resolved to start making new habits to bring myself to the point where I could be my true self again. I just wanted to go back to being me before the miscarriage. I started to coming to the club daily and looking to bring change to my body and mind. I took that trip home to Michigan and told my family members about the baby and about this competition. I felt it was leading me to something that could change my body for the better and propel me forward, not back. Every day, I tracked my steps and active minuets to make sure I was hitting 10,000 steps and 60 active minutes per day. I even attended classes at the Novi Life Time location – I hope we get the Spartan Strong class at Centreville soon.
While I know that my daily gym time and commitment to the program are important, I knew I needed to change my diet too. You see, I also had this pink bathing suit for 3 years that never fit. I always thought I would wear it on my honeymoon or my anniversary trips to Mexico, but no. I begrudgingly pulled it out put on for the before photos – what a shocking wake up call. After taking the photos, I left it hanging where I would see it. I looked at it every morning before I left the house, occasionally trying it on to see how it fit. This reminder helped me stick to a routine meeting my steps, gym time, and a diet, full of an unlimited amount of vegetables, lean protein and limited dairy.
With my history of weight ups and downs, this will be the key to maintenance, as diet often is. I know that having a group of friends at Centreville Life Time saying “You look great” and “Good to see you” have kept me motivated and excited to keep improving. Those words remind me why I want to continue my transformation. As I progressed though the 60 days, I was surprised to find that friends and family were inspired to begin their own fitness journey. They continue to update me on their progress.
Surrounding myself with this positivity and newly found support system helped keep me accountable. As simple as it sounds – a healthy body, mind and routine are more important than the short-term satisfaction of junk food.
The new support system that has developed around me (my team, coach, family) and this competition have prepared me to live life unafraid. The process helped me to share my pain with the world and to rock my pink bathing suit. I feel surrounded by caring people, resolved and ready to move forward with this experience as the beginning. I know a lifetime of health, victory, and self-love are in front of me.